Getting back in the saddle

It’s been a while since I last posted something here (or anywhere really). And a lot has happened.

In April 2023, I was told my endometriosis was degrading my body too fast for me to wait for a natural second pregnancy to occur. IVF would be the way forward.

I am among the lucky ones : I don’t have fertility issues per say and I’ve already born a natural pregnancy so the odds were in my favor.

I went through months of chemically induced menopause which was grueling to say the least, treatment for the endometriosis which was stressful and painful and finally stimulation for egg harvesting, the harvesting itself and transfers. It’s been a hormonal rollercoaster from Hell.

I know comparatively to others, my journey has not been the hardest. I am well aware and I told myself over and over during the whole process :

• I like my life as it is
• I have a loving and supportive partner
• I already have Le Baby so even if all fails, I have experienced motherhood and I have the most wonderful child one could hope for

It was all worth it : I’m officially with child !

For me, the weirdest part -the hardest part- of the whole process was wanting a pregnancy even though I hated being pregnant the first time around.

Having been through it once means you know what you’re in for. Now, all pregnancies are different but my first pregnancy was just a string of physical inconveniences that I had to endure, alone (however supportive the partner), for 9 months. What’s to like ?! I can’t help thinking women have been told for so long that child bearing is our soul purpose in life and our main source of value that it’s programmed our sex over the millennia to convince ourselves that not only is it « not that bad » but also that we enjoy it (???)

I think « Feminist » is way too much of my identity for me to see the whole process as anything other than a huge sacrifice for a greater good.

Getting to know my child is one of the greatest gifts life has offered me. And that is why I’m going through all this again.

The tricky thing, I think, with IVF, is the state of mind it puts you in.

The whole procreative process is clinical and statistical. Outcome percentages are omnipresent, protocols are dehumanizing, you are a dysfunctional machine that needs artificial help to do the most natural thing. So even after you get the good news (again, I’m one of the lucky ones because I got pregnant on transfer number 2), I stayed stuck in the « don’t get your hopes up, it might not stick, miscarriages are very frequent especially via IVF » phase. I’m now very close to the end of my first trimester and everything is looking good but I have yet to experience joy. Like my positive emotions have been temporarily shut down.

And I had an epiphany yesterday and realized I have not been ok.

A Swedish study done in 2017 states categorically that «Conception by means of in vitro fertilization is not associated with maternal depressive symptoms during pregnancy or postpartum ». 

And I for one, am very surprised by this conclusion.

I’m emerging from 4 months of feeling empty and 2 of also feeling disconnected and useless but I know being aware of this is the first necessary step towards feeling better.

I went through a similar depressive episode when I was in artificial menopause last year and became aware of it when I was nearing the end of it and pulling through. It was hormonally induced and when the treatment stopped I went back to normal. But I could only take the step back necessary to evaluate myself once I was already on the mend. And the same thing has happened again.

There’s no point in denying that the IVF process has put me in the ideal mental space to experience prenatal anxiety and depression but maybe that’s just me ?

It’s been a while since I did anything creative just for me but motivation (more than inspiration) has made it’s way back to me. It’s another auto portrait and it’s of « End of Depressive Episode Me ».

I am feeling better.

First try at pastels

Not my preferred medium but have obviously not mastered the technic in one drawing

Doesn’t look like me but whatever ^^

Addendum : I wrote this 3 weeks ago and am glad to say the cloud has definitely lifted :

• I’m ok with getting out of bed in the morning (« want » still and always will be too strong a word)
• I’m excited again about the work we’re having done in the house at the moment
• I’m job searching (Admittedly not the best time to do this. We’ll see what comes of it) 
• I’m making much healthier choices food wise. I’m a typical « turn to chocolate when things are bad » type of person. Milka and Kinder can prepare for a SIGNIFICANT drop in their sales. 
• I want to talk to my friends
• I’m reading and drawing again
• My second trimester is… easy. And I was not expecting that at all so Yay ! for the human body and every pregnancy being different ^^